Take a listen to More Than A Mother podcast. Episode #3- Free Yourself From Mom Guilt
Keep reading for actionable tips!
What To Do When Mom Guilt Attacks
Tori Spelling recently gave an interview to Us Weekly where she admitted to living in a constant state of “mom guilt”. She admitted to the struggles she faces trying to balance her career along with her five kids. Tori opened up about a common struggle that many moms face when it comes to mothering and work. That struggle is… mom guilt.
Mom guilt is universal. Whether a stay-at-home mom or working mom, all moms experience some form of mom guilt (unless you’re Gabrielle Union who recently did an interview with MadameNoire and confessed that she has zero mom guilt at all. Hey Gabby, You go girl! We should chat?).
Sadly, Gabrielle is not the norm; mom guilt is. It doesn’t matter how much money you have (or don’t have), if you are single, married, co-parenting, or doing all on your own, whether you have young kids or old kids; mom guilt is a universal problem.
Pressed for time? Pin for later.
So what exactly is mom guilt?
Mom guilt is the monster that rears its ugly head constantly telling lies to moms. It tells moms that they are doing something wrong. It’s that guilt that creeps in and tells us that we can’t be anything more than mom. It makes us feel bad when we leave them to go to work, when we devote attention elsewhere, and even when we dare to try and take care of ourselves.
It’s the feeling that forms in our gut or constantly lies in the back of our mind making us second guess the choices we make. The guilt that has us compare ourselves to other moms or be envious of those moms who can be there to celebrate every win and kiss every boo-boo when we can’t do the same. Mom guilt can sneak up on us when we least expect it and often it causes us to question every one of our life choices.
The role of a mom is not easy and motherhood is something that is judged by many. Moms are judged if they stay at home, judged if they work, judged if they have their kids in many activities, and likewise judged if they do not have any extracurricular activities.
There is tremendous pressure on moms to ensure the best outcome for their kids. We carry such a weight as we try to make sure the decisions we make don’t have a negative impact on our children. All this does it add to the mom guilt that we experience on a day-to-day basis.
So why the guilt?
Sometimes, moms, we are our own worse enemy; our worst critic. We let our inner mean mom lie to us and tell us we are doing everything wrong. We let doubt and shame creep in and tell us we can’t do anything without our kids. And we believe that our time must be devoted all to our kids or our roles.
Tori Spelling admitted that her husband plays a big role in helping her with the kids, but yet she still struggles with mom guilt. A married woman with lots of money, a helpful husband and a support system admits to living in a constant state of mom guilt.
But how about the single mom? Or the mom that is doing it own her without any support? Can you imagine that level of guilt? Hey, you might be a single mom or a mom without support, so you don’t even have to imagine it because you live it.
Do any of these statements sound familiar?
- “My kids need/want/have X so I can’t do Y.”
- “I don’t have enough time for my kids.”
- “My kids need attention and I can’t give them all they deserve.”
- “I am tired and exhausted. I just can’t keep up.”
All hope isn’t lost.
I have a great solution to this problem that impacts even the greatest of moms. No longer do you have to live with mom guilt, mama! There are ways to confront the guilt head-on and overcome this troublesome monster.
Here are three steps you can take to free yourself from mom guilt and show up as your whole self everywhere:
1. Value your time
It’s about quality over quantity. No this is not cliche and I am not telling you to squeeze all you can into the little precious time you have with your kids. Instead focuses on providing quality within those moments. Make the moments you have matter.
I know your “momergy” is depleted and you don’t know what reserve to pull from, but I need you to dig deep and focus on value. Stop trying to multi-task. Stop searching for balance. Let me be the first to tell you, multitasking is a myth and balance doesn’t exist. You expend more time and energy when you multi-task and endlessly strive for balance.
Think about what do you actually accomplish when you multi-task. If you are like me, multi-tasking leaves you with a lot of tasks to finish. And balance, you will spend your whole life trying to find balance. It is impossible to find balance because something will always be on the back burner. So don’t tire yourself out on the hamster wheel; just take a few moments and add value to your time.
That may mean, hugging them a little longer before you leave or actually paying attention to what they are saying and doing. Better yet pause for a moment of play or a story before you rush out the door. These moments are priceless and your kids will value them right along with you.
2. Be present and stay present
Ever felt like you were in a room with someone and their mind/attention was elsewhere? Well, trust me your kids know this feeling all too well. In a society where we are constantly connected, where work emails come to our phones, notifications constantly ding, it is easy to be distracted at the moment. I challenge you to be present and more specifically stay present. This is a challenge I had when first learning about prioritizing my time and honestly sometimes I still have to check myself on this.
Put your phone on “Do not disturb”. Silence your notifications. Focus on being present and staying present. That means eyes, ears, and mind all tuned in on your kids. That email will be there after they tell you their story. You can scroll your social media and those same posts will be waiting on you later.
Guess what, you are not missing anything!
The only thing you miss out on is that moment right then and there that you can never get back with your kids. Likewise, if you are in the middle of something, there is nothing wrong with telling your kids “Give me a few minutes to finish this up and then I’m all yours”. They will value this over having half of your attention or your fake attention at any time.
3. Take care of yourself
I know you can’t imagine squeezing anytime for yourself, but when you are on “E”, you are no good to anyone around you. The idea of self-care seems like another task on your to-do list, but it doesn’t have to be hard. Self-care can be sitting outside in your care for a few minutes before leaving work or going into your house (this is one of my personal favorites). Those 5 minutes can help you regroup, recharge, and rev up for your evening at home.
Taking care of yourself doesn’t have to cost money, be complicated, or take much time. Somewhere along the line, we got the idea that self-care meant bubble baths and candles. While that can be part of a self-care plan, that is not realistic for everyone. I can’t remember the last time I took a bubble bath, but one thing I do is find small ways to care for myself each day because burnout is something I refuse to experience again.
You have to rediscover the things you love, find joy in life again, indulge in your hobbies and pleasures. It is okay to take care of you first! It is not selfish, it is selfless. Taking care of yourself so that you can show up as your whole self, is the best gift you can give to your kids and really anyone in your life.
Once you are full on the inside, you will be amazed at how your life experience transforms. Mom guilt can kick rocks once you have joy, peace, and know who you are from the inside out.
These are just a few tips I have for beating combatting mom guilt and finding freedom in motherhood.
Is this journey easy? No.
Will it take time to adjust to a “new normal”? Yes.
Will you be tired of trying to do things a new way? Yes.
Is it worth it to make the change? Definitely.
It’s time to say goodbye to mom guilt, silence the lies we tell ourselves, and tell our inner mean mom to kick rocks. Our mom experience is personal and the journey is individual to each of us.
However, one thing moms can agree on is the need for more time and energy.
No longer do we have to live in a state of constant mom guilt. Rich or poor, single or married, mom guilt is real and it’s up to us to take the right steps to end it!
Want to work with me? I will be opening up my coaching services for moms soon. Moms, we will come together and I will help you create your own personalized plan using my Mom’s Formula to Freedom™ method. Make sure you subscribe to my blog and follow me on social media. I will only be accepting a few clients, so don’t miss out on your opportunity to redefine motherhood and reclaim your life.
If you are on my list, you will be notified when I open my Freedom Consultation Calls where I help you tackle the number one issue that impacts your time and energy. You will also be the first to know when my program opens for enrollment.
Until next time,
- Mom guilt is a universal problem that impacts 90% of all moms
- Mom guilt leads moms to believe they are bad moms if they are not with their kids all the time and constantly doing things for them
- Stop believing the lies mom guilt tells
- There are ways to be free from mom guilt
- Three steps to combat mom guilt: 1. Value Your Time 2. Be Present in the Moment 3. Take Care of Yourself
- You can beat mom guilt. Get these 10 tips to help you fight back
- Coming soon: Mom’s Formula to Freedom
- Stay connected and don’t miss updates and news